🍕 Radical Acceptance: Why It’s Like Choosing Pizza... or Not

Let’s say it’s Friday night. You’re in the mood for pizza — seriously craving it. But your sibling? They want burgers. And somehow, they win. You’re stuck with burgers. Ugh.

You could:

• Sulk

• Complain

• Try to manipulate the situation

• Refuse to eat

• Start a fight at the table

That, right there, is willfulness.

💢 What Is Willfulness?

Willfulness is when you fight reality, even if that fight makes things worse. It’s like yelling at the rain because your picnic is ruined. The rain doesn’t care — it’s still going to fall. But now you’re soaked and upset.

In DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), willfulness means:

• Trying to control everything and everyone

• Saying “no” to reality

• Refusing to accept what’s already happening

• Holding on to resentment

✅ What Is Willingness?

Willingness is the opposite. It’s being flexible. It’s saying:
"Okay, this isn’t what I wanted… but what can I do now that makes this situation work better?"

Instead of sulking over burgers, willingness might sound like:

• “Okay, burgers tonight. But can we do pizza next week?”

• “I’ll do the dishes this weekend if we can do pizza next time.”

• “Can I build a ‘burger-pizza’? Maybe add some tomato, cheese, and garlic sauce to my burger.”

Willingness doesn’t mean you like the situation. It just means you accept it so you can work with it — instead of against it.

🧠 Radical Acceptance: Letting Go of the Fight

Radical acceptance is a DBT skill that helps you stop fighting what you can’t control. It's not about giving up or saying, “This is great!” when it’s not. It’s about saying:
“This is how it is right now. I can’t change the past, but I can choose how I respond.”

When you accept something radically, you accept it:

• With your mind (you understand it)

• With your heart (you let go of the resentment)

• With your body (you stop tensing up or clenching your fists)

🍔 Back to Burgers...

If you do go with burgers that night, radical acceptance means you let go of being grumpy about it so you can enjoy the evening. You laugh with your family, try a new sauce, maybe even realize the burgers aren’t so bad.

That’s how DBT skills help in real life — they don’t change the situation, but they change how we experience it.

💡 Try This

Next time you feel willful:

1. Notice it – say, “Whoa, I’m being super willful right now.”

2. Accept it – don’t judge yourself, just recognize it.

3. Turn your mind – shift toward willingness, even if you don’t feel like it.

4. Use your body – try “half-smiling” or relaxing your hands in your lap. It sends your brain a message: “It’s okay. I can handle this.”

Life throws stuff at us all the time — like a ball machine that never stops. You can stand there and get hit, or pick up a racket and play.

Radical acceptance helps you play.

By Dr Michelle Beukes-King